guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
