someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize