I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
