what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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