Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Randomize
