So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
