I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
