Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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