I look better un-naked...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
