WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize