Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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