I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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