i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Less talking, more tequila
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
