the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
