8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
