hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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