Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
