Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
