I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
ugly people sure do ruin things
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
