I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
