Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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