Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
