On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
And then he peed in my hair
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