no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
