I should be sponsored by Trojan
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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