I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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