I didn't shave. On purpose
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
