when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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