i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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