just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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