i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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