when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
