She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Success! We fucked roommates!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
