some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
