why didn't you poke me back
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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