I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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