You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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