God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
