i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
