I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
