i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize