I'm going to rape someone's good day.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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