If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I could fuck to npr.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
