No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
