i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
