You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
