theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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