He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
