He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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