I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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