i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
How does one acquire holy water?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
