Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
