I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
