I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
