I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
