You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
