When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
