Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
