Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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