Hey man sorry I got all grabby
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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